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Frogs’ legs in garlic and snails on croissants, baguettes and onions and poodles and Renaults, cross channel ferries and duty free booze, half hour to Calais there’s nothing to lose… That’s right, France, the French, Francophiles and the SNCF are all the highlight of this weekend with their amazingly well conceived contest, the Monaco Grand Prix. For this solitary day of the year the travelling gamblers turn away from their cards and dice to watch this, frankly bizarre, spectacle in the streets of Monte Carlo.

Will Brawn once again be cheering Jenson ‘Mr Spoon’ Button at the podium this weekend? Who knows, but you’ve got a freebet on the race for a &pound10 Casino chip so your choices are, make an informed decision based on previous results and collateral raceform, guess at it, or dress up like a Frenchman in mardi gras, stuff your face with more coq au vin than you could drive after and prance around the front room kicking the can can and trilling La Marseillaise at full whack, (although you probably won?t win).

So the only thing to move faster than the cars on Sunday are the snails when they finally twig that their garlic butter saunas will in fact be their last. Come to that, France isn’t a great place to be if you’re a mollusc. Gambler? Garlic lover? Wino? Yes. Snail? Frog? Sheep brain? No. blimey we?re losing sight here, anyway, enjoy the weekend and don’t forget it?s your last chance for the Prem action this season to get them there accas on!

In a league fix bestowed upon us from the heavens of the proverbial wooden spoon, we have this weekend been granted a homegrown chance to catch a ‘Champions league playoff’ without so much of a sniff of the Eurocratic megalomaniacs and their “no one cares about 3rd place” attitude, although to be fair they have a point. So, the London leviathans clash on Sunday to hammer it out with Chelsea who travel to Arsenal for what would also effectively settle the Champions League minor honours, sort of, home advantage aside, et cetera…

We’ll be the first to admit there are ‘bigger’ matches this weekend what with the various playoffs and relegation deciders, not to mention the Manchester derby, but we can’t help feeling the serendipity of this draw is down to Wenger’s wattle. Like the silly putty of some sort of evil genius, it plays its hand here. If we all look for long enough, we’ll see it gravitating toward the unseen forces at work to ultimately ensure that the Gunners save some face against Guus the Grotesque who, if push comes to shove, will simply banish Arsene to the tundra of the motherland.

We… shall… see… You know the drill, £10 in chips to all winners!

If you’ve made it this far, you’re probably looking for an explanation for at least some of the above diatribe. Well you’re out of luck in terms of the wattle, but we do believe it will be amongst other things, a good match.

So, things to do are
1) take advantage of all available prices on the weekend’s (rather tempting) fixtures
2) book your chair / bench / pew with the local publican / park / cell
3) log on to the Casino to squeeze your luck any time of the weekend for a cyberhug replacement for what you’ll perhaps miss out on after your spectator sports overdose. And finally, remember to keep some excuses handy – no one likes a profligate blagger no matter how late or merry they may be.

So whichever way the coin falls for you, enjoy the weekend…

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